There are many sins in my life, and I expect to keep sinning until the day I die. But not so long ago, God helped me shake free of one that haunted me for several weeks. It was one of those enjoyable, seemingly innocuous sins that you hate to let go of because you think it only affects you... but then something happens, and you realize that it's time to act before things get out of hand.
I'm not sure where in James's "sequence" I was at, but I knew I didn't want it to get to the "giving birth to death" part. :-)
What was intriguing to me is that I found my experience captured quite vividly by the writings of David, oh those thousands of years ago. And they say the Bible isn't timely and relevant...
Psalm 32:1-5 (NIV)
Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD"
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah
My guilt hung over me like a cloud. I forced happiness though my haze, especially to my wife, who knows when something is wrong often before I do. I felt like I was living a double life at times. Knowing that what I was doing was probably wrong, but not wanting to step up and do the right thing to change course.
Satan kept whispering the whole time in my ear, "You don't need to talk to anybody. You can handle it yourself. Just stay quiet and fix it on your own. You don't need to rock the boat."
Nothing could have been further from the truth. That's one of the slippery parts of sin. It wants us to separate ourselves from those that can help us most. It tries to make us think we're on our own.
Confession was hard. Painful. Pride-killing. Repentance was even harder. Facing those I'd hurt and affected, admitting my guilt, and seeking reconciliation—none of it fun. The whole time, from when I first sought counsel until I finished the last bit of "setting things straight" with all parties, was tough. Even though everyone involved was understanding, supportive, and kind, I wanted to stop every step of the way.
But an amazing thing shortly happened—relief. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my chest. I had a clean conscience. I could look at my wife and friends with confidence again. I had nothing to hide. And their love flowed over me like a wave.
I know I'll sin again. Many times over on a wide variety of topics. But as confused as I was in the midst of my sin, the clarity from being released from it is even greater. In fact, I would say I had no idea how much it was hanging over me until I "acknowledged my sin" and "did not cover up my iniquity". I hope I don't forget that sense of lightness of being.
Afterwards, I was chatting with a friend, sharing how I felt stupid for even starting down the path to begin with. He offered me some very encouraging words, taken from his reflections on a book on discipleship he was reading, Choose the Life by Bill Hull.
Early on, [Hull] talks about "faith" as defined by modern evangelical Christianity, which would be that faith is action based on confident belief—his emphasis being that what we believe about God is all that is needed for saving, biblical faith.
Then he contrasts that by his thesis that we have wrongly defined faith. Faith is not as defined above, but needs to be defined as Jesus defines it, and that is: faith is following the leadership of Jesus, or simply following Jesus.
If there is sin in your life you need to be free from, I pray you find the strength to "simply" follow Jesus, seeking confession and repentance, knowing He waits with open, loving arms. And be encouraged that by choosing to do so, you show deep, abiding faith in the one who offers us all his overwhelming forgiveness.
May God's grace and mercy fill your life today.
Further reading:
Sermon on Psalm 32:1–5 by Rev. Adrian Dieleman
How Not To Be A Mule by John Piper
Daily Encounter: Confession As A Game by Dick Innes
Nothing "Safe" About Secret Sin by John MacArthur
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